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Her, Something Sinister

by A Flower in Disguise

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1.
Violent Diaries 03:37
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You shame my pride got me bleeding inside In the open you can’t hide, the purity in your eyes Blinded like a deer in headlights They wrote it in your blood When you gonna give up? When you gonna give up? Just another warm body, crying with irony Living with a fear in me that talks like poetry Just another warm body, crying with irony What’s right for me? Cast off damning my still beating heart It was rabid from the start It was rabid from the start It was you who couldn’t stand the silence It was you who couldn’t stand to be alone I play along and move on Pulling my roses as weeds Violent diaries, I plead deny beauty See through me What is this air that I breathe? The truth of the matter is, the fact you never asked Here is all we have And I don’t want to seem ungrateful, truly grateful I am But I’m just not happy Born sober from the start A corpse a love affair’s leftover, over A blessing or curse I’ll have to die first Just another warm body, crying with irony Living with a fear in me that talks like poetry Just another warm body, crying with irony What’s right for me? Pulling my roses as weeds Violent diaries, I plead deny beauty See through me What is this air that I breathe? And I don’t want to seem ungrateful, truly grateful I am But I’m just not happy here Living with a fear in me that talks like poetry Pulling my roses as weeds Violent diaries, I plead deny beauty See through me What is this air that I breathe?  
2.
Slandered Femininity 04:40
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There’s a girl who goes by the same name as me Feelings flow so easily just as the curves, so gently The longer I look she conquers me The longer I look I forget me The longer I look I forget me Sadness down with sudden fever All the words I can’t say Damned as a child, damned to be your girl A prison this world but I forgive her Damned to be a woman waiting for her heart to return I don’t bother with reality Folding myself up in your words Let me fulfill their curves And every sharp turn I curl tighter I feel like a lie beside you I crave the monster inside you I feel like a lie beside you I create myself again in my buckling arms She knows her sensuality while I cry myself to sleep With the cry of another, the blood of my own There goes the girl with no face of her own There’s a girl who goes by the same name as me Feelings flow so easily just as the curves, so gently The longer I look she conquers me The longer I look I forget me The longer I look I forget me Remnant of a dream the girls screams wake me I trace the evidence of me with scrutiny Slandered femininity the hardness in my chest Locked in my core’s strength I tell myself to stop but it’s too late, but it’s too late Folding myself up in your words Let me fulfill their curves And every sharp turn I curl tighter I feel like a lie beside you I crave the monster inside you I feel like a lie beside you I create myself again in my buckling arms She knows her sensuality while I cry myself to sleep
3.
Exquisite 04:11
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Not tangled but twisted Ideas we revisit Her name isn’t stranded Her empty body abandoned Break you’re your neck exquisite Listen to them calling Come out of yourself Come out of your head I follow my shadow to hold myself, to what is missing A point that’s lost An ache that permeates dull I can’t tell you where it stems But it never ends But it never ends And thoughts come back with a vengeance Darkness comes to visit, refined and more exquisite Trapped in this ruinous body Deeper than the realm of secret Demure I live in the glimmer of your eyes Is it desensitization through which I’ve found this comfort? One with my heart coming to carnal desire for the violence in your touch Cause skin isn’t enough, but you give me hope Hold me open, so I can come in Conquer love Skin isn’t enough, but you give me hope Hold me open, so I can come in Conquer love Not tangled but twisted Ideas we revisit Her name isn’t stranded Her empty body abandoned Break you’re your neck exquisite Listen to them calling Come out of yourself Come out of your head I woke to the world on fire Bewitching like a siren A moment for the taking from the bowels of a body never found My voice, I follow it down To becloud the armor the lighthouse Undressed in the darkness, my happiness This body is lawless I use my hands to hold my eyes This body is lawless, lock it Obsessed with your yawning flawlessness Cheering with tears, in time spilling fears Heaven is bare
4.
May 04:20
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5.
Beautiful Demons 04:40
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Wake me up from these Bleak bright days morning dew and sunrays Though gloom consumes no room for substance So, so sick to my stomach loving From your love and I grow further uneasy Love is it just me? (is it just me?) Love is it just me? (is it just me?) I told you and I can’t see The privilege of beautiful demons False idols the reason Shallow but somehow still breathing Beauty with no reason Living with no meaning For some it is a constant, comes so easy For me it’s work preparing myself mentally For the toll it takes on me physically Misaligned spiritually Waiting for the sun to leave Stars in her eyes put her beauty to sleep Waiting for the stars to bleed down The grim to reap the secrets Stars in her eyes put her beauty to sleep Romanticism she’s breathtaking Sick to my stomach loving From your love, please wake me up From your love and I grow further uneasy Release me, release me Nagging love, made foreign to me Love is it just me? Is it just me? Who’s rotten at the heart Take this poison I told you and I can’t see The privilege of beautiful demons False idols the reason Shallow but somehow still breathing Beauty with no reason Living with no meaning I can’t see and I told you I told you, you agree to live so you die Will I be forgiven? Who can I trust if reality’s deceiving? The things that have made my faith so detrimental And when I’m with you there’s so much to dream about I’ve been dreaming too long The idea of love within your arms But when I wake up and your gone So is the feeling, my repressions I’ve been sleepwalking too long I’ve got nothing to show for your love All the tears dried up Like I wasn’t strong enough Through and through, I can’t see and I told you, I told you
6.
Imaginary Men 03:24
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7.
Empty Promises 04:00
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At one point I chose it Now the choice stays with me Just going through the motions, bluffing Put on a show for you Do all the things I’d never do, without you To be with someone (numb, numb, numb, numbing) The memories play like reruns I don’t know how to have fun I contemplate and rerun, rerun (numb, numb, numb, numbing) Don’t look (up), the uplifting is so unforgiving The ravishing will ravage your imagination Stressing you with their empty radiance They cheer like they taunt It’s immoral to want It’s immoral to want Broken record on repeat my heartbeat Tear blue how I’d describe myself to you Miserable with or without you Though my heart has bruised me tender Sweet to surrender to you, to you God, I want you, God I want you Quiet ambition underestimated My die hard, so understated Composed through the motions and emotions I feel numb most of the time Calm obsession rules my mind Burning like ice Slipping through your fingers Though your eyes can linger Ooh the loss of time Frozen in your eyes As if I’m paralyzed Your taxidermy doll once had a heart after all Pinned to the wall You watched them fall You watched them fall Living deprived of the solace within And I’m still breathing Won’t let it sink in, sink in Living deprived of the solace within Like wiping kisses of my skin Won’t let it sink in, sink in
8.
Taxidermy Doll 03:35
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At one point I chose it Now the choice stays with me Just going through the motions, bluffing Put on a show for you Do all the things I’d never do, without you To be with someone (numb, numb, numb, numbing) The memories play like reruns I don’t know how to have fun I contemplate and rerun, rerun (numb, numb, numb, numbing) Don’t look (up), the uplifting is so unforgiving The ravishing will ravage your imagination Stressing you with their empty radiance They cheer like they taunt It’s immoral to want It’s immoral to want Broken record on repeat my heartbeat Tear blue how I’d describe myself to you Miserable with or without you Though my heart has bruised me tender Sweet to surrender to you, to you God, I want you, God I want you Quiet ambition underestimated My die hard, so understated Composed through the motions and emotions I feel numb most of the time Calm obsession rules my mind Burning like ice Slipping through your fingers Though your eyes can linger Ooh the loss of time Frozen in your eyes As if I’m paralyzed Your taxidermy doll once had a heart after all Pinned to the wall You watched them fall You watched them fall Living deprived of the solace within And I’m still breathing Won’t let it sink in, sink in Living deprived of the solace within Like wiping kisses of my skin Won’t let it sink in, sink in
9.
Undine/Choke 04:41
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If you leave, I can breathe But I won’t feel anything But scars enshrined in never mind But the sinking to the depths of what’s left when we part A world beneath the sea I make you like art growing farther from the world From the start 19 moons, Neptune All I feel is ruin I play it slow I play it safe and over and over In my head a serenade It’s the way you sung it That drove me sad Made me feel so bad I slept without rest There’s no language There’s no language left I’ve lost myself to the feeling It owns me, no logic can heal me Ever fleeting, daydreaming An open mouth to avoided Under a broken halo Waiting for my soul to be crushed The art of pain, cause losing me never hurt you Cause I remember a crowded room Are you willing? I could just ruin it To choke on your every word The blood as you fall on your own sword Careful, careful with your words Each word bloodier than the last Run, let’s make another world Each word turning the key I take it like it bled just for me For my eyes only My broken heart is always open I play it slow You made my sorrow so lovely I play it safe over and over in my head a serenade It’s the way you said it I won’t disappoint no, no That drove me sad Made me feel so bad I’m having visions They keep me living from slipping One minute I’m fine Then I’m drowning crying Let the other part of my soul return I pay in tears An open mouth to avoided I could just ruin it Each word bloodier than the last I grow scared of your ego I won’t disappoint no, no Under a broken halo Waiting for my soul to be crushed The art of pain, cause losing me never hurt you 19 moons and Neptune All I feel is ruin The art of pain, cause losing me never hurt you Are you willing? I could just ruin it To choke on your every word The blood as you fall on your own sword Careful, careful with your words Each word bloodier than the last Run, let’s make another world Each word turning the key I take it like it bled just for me For my eyes only For my eyes only
10.
Her, Something Sinister 05:09
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If you manage to love me We’ll both resent it and hate me Wound up, it is so strange, love That I want you, but I won’t express myself Take me in your arms Hug me like a straitjacket Hush the lunacy moving through me Slap me then we’ll laugh about it I’ve broken all the glasses And I want to hold you Cracked all the mirrors And I want to hold you At a distance It’s wrong but it feels right The part of me that loves to hide in the dark The part of me that never wants to leave your side That part of me that craves your eyes The part of me that loves to hide but never runs On this night I peel back the callouses I crack each finger back to the wrist What gives this convolution The fight has become dispiriting Stoic to hell with everything Thoughts a million ice picks driven into my brain A name placed to the pain cracking, searching my body it rains I can’t tell you where I’ve been, but thinking Nothing is simple Introduce me to her something sinister You talk about me, but I’ve never met her Crying like a man all the same cursing my name Confirming my fears, once I thought these tears were mine But there’s god behind the Madonna’s eyes I am the stranger on the edge The ache it’s pointless to speak of Unless you intend to heal me with your touch I made this all myself I couldn’t ask for help I fight the invasion of myself Tortuous days you swore you loved me But these eyes bleed fear of intimacy Promise show me, please hold me It’s wrong but it feels right The part of me that loves to hide in the dark The part of me that never wants to leave your side That part of me that craves your eyes The part of me that loves to hide but never runs On this night I peel back the callouses I crack each finger back to the wrist What gives this convolution The fight has become dispiriting Stoic to hell with everything Thoughts a million ice picks driven into my brain A name placed to the pain cracking, searching my body it rains I can’t tell you where I’ve been, but thinking Nothing is simple Introduce me to her something sinister You talk about me, but I’ve never met her Crying like a man all the same cursing my name Waiting to comprehend this fear wrapped around my heart I don’t understand any better What if I’m the greatest deception Whoever left a mark The prettiest of maims Scars over roses My neck is open Just know I love the distance Excited by your fear I smile fondly at your sorrow Fearing your rejection Fearing your love I can’t tell you where I’ve been, but thinking Nothing is simple Introduce me to her something sinister You talk about me, but I’ve never met her Crying like a man all the same cursing my name
11.
Ferocity 05:02
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The wounds will heal My skin scarred, will peel Superficially, I’ll heal But I’m not sure I’ll feel again I’m not sure I’ll be the same Don’t sweat, don’t sweat it I cut off my ears with my doubts and fears, fears When I fall no one will catch me But I know peace chewing on my tongue Anticipation in the air I’ll pull my hair out I’ll rip my eyes out Can I take my time? I’ve got my sadness as ferocity She told me, now I’m numb in her compassion This is my normal validated, I already knew But why did it sound worse coming from you? I’ll be free when the perpetrators die The pain in your eyes Like the hurt isn’t mine I can’t tell who’s afflicted Sometimes I think it was myself who did it Like my presence consented permission These are tears of relief For a moment it was like the hurt left No trace, no one had power over me It never happened, not to me But the haunting memories of smallness How if felt in my body Holding the world over me A dead girl walking Your pulse talking to me Don’t sweat, don’t sweat it I cut off my ears with my doubts and fears, fears When I fall no one will catch me But I know peace chewing on my tongue Anticipation in the air I’ll pull my hair out I’ll rip my eyes out Can I take my time? Turning myself inside out I’ve got my sadness as ferocity She told me, now I’m numb in her compassion This is my normal validated, I already knew But why did it sound worse coming from you? No one’s looking out, no one’s got my back Or watching over me But me I don’t sleep easy Savoring the truth The wounds will heal My skin scarred, will peel These are tears of relief For a moment it was like the hurt left No trace, no one had power over me I could rest It never happened, not to me But the haunting memories of smallness How if felt in my body Holding the world over me A dead girl walking Your pulse talking to me Can you feel my heart?
12.
Kore 05:02
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Adorn, under the angel’s wing No, pleasure couldn’t crack this prison open Can you feel the tension mounting through my skin? The hardness from within Hush don’t rock the boat asking for hope Save your breath One day I’ll explain for all the moments I abstain Triggering, when I hear them speak of loving? The walls close in and those tears hit the ceiling reeling The walls close in I can’t trust anything but the hurt I know, and I know When I hear them speak of loving? Adorn, under the angel’s wing A heart with no definite shape, vaping, breaking Crawling inside, seeping out my sockets Loosing light Gnawing what I can’t change Brain a foot out my mouth Perfume my emotion Perfume my emotion I am full of potion You know where Venus was born I’ll tell you of Venus’s horns Cracking porcelain Pouring blood on linen Paying for the innocent This drought of discontent Don’t say you love me Don’t call it jealousy it moves quietly Please don’t say you love me Don’t call it jealousy it moves quietly Washing the pain away with a new ecstasy And it skins me never to fly Hm, Sick on sight My love scares the devil Won’t you get me a mirror And show me what my heaven looks like Even with my eyes closed Knew your demons better than you Someone to be brave for you Run with knifes, love with urgency Bring your manners and love with purpose Nervous like you’re scared of me Like I’m scared you’ll leave Care for me, I know it’s a fight just to be Adorn, under the angel’s wing I grow weak Take it out on my body, baby Take it out on me There’s a killing in me laced with brutality No, we don’t speak causally only in catastrophes What hides inside of me? They love me dirty But I love them clean, mean I make them nice And you’re the beggar wonder why And the tears I cry You know where Venus was born I’ll tell you of Venus’s horns Cracking porcelain Pouring blood on linen Paying for the innocent This drought of discontent Don’t say you love me Don’t call it jealousy it moves quietly Please don’t say you love me Don’t call it jealousy it moves quietly Washing the pain away with a new ecstasy And it skins me never to fly Hm, sick on sight My love scares the devil Won’t you get me a mirror And show me what my heaven looks like Empathize apathy I can’t trust anything

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released July 2, 2020

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A Flower in Disguise Ohio

Singer/songwriter/producer/visual artist and writer.
Making experimental music

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