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Heosphoros to Holy Death

by A Flower in Disguise

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1.
Holy Death 04:24
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This is not a scheme I can’t do what I don’t believe in Escaping into a meaning One long dream Hungover by emotion Fighting to die on my feet A holy death Each interaction a probe Another painful extraction draining me Abducted into an odyssey I ponder the depth of me Black, amber, crimson, and crystal swans Half poison, half purity the scales read Shrewd mirror evaluations telling me This dreamscape a ghost town Scarcity of vibrancy and of less heart I may flow with my tears To rejoice in their warmth And down then up with their freedom Like glitter in the air Hungover by emotion Fighting to die on my feet A holy death Each interaction a probe Another painful extraction draining me Abducted into an odyssey I ponder the depth of me Black, amber, crimson, and crystal swans Half poison, half purity the scales read Shrewd mirror evaluations telling me This dreamscape a ghost town
2.
Daymare Paradigm 03:40
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Paper dolls, a human chain A million and one face behind a name To make humanity a brand Already consuming me, part of a beast A thing for one to aim, grooming me The fullest could condition a soft brain Hardening, paving the way Even the depths of you are shallow Breeding dystopian monsters Thrown from a nightmare to a daymare paradigm Nothing is safe from ruin The fair weather is misleading Are you on the wrong team? Do you stand for anything No empowerment in thrall I think for me The hourglass runs empty No charm to your flaws I asked to see Paper dolls, a human chain A million and one face behind a name To make humanity a brand Already consuming me, part of a beast A thing for one to aim, grooming me The fullest could condition a soft brain Hardening, paving the way Taking years of rewiring To unmask and un-train A world of imaginary and perfectly imperfect things But not a physical place to belong To belong to, the feeling I long over time
3.
River Lethe 04:21
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Obsessively checking the hands of time as they change While people make the same mistakes No glory days, the guilt erodes away the good memories Of a path of fondness and reminiscing, I can’t walk I tried to bury it, but it keeps coming back No glossing over a hand grasping out of a shallow grave Playing keep away with a calcified child buried further inside of me Praying to the river Lethe relieve me Relieve me Thoughts taste of iron And my mind goes blank with white intensity My body turns on me A replacement for the fixation No home to return to, or mend Working my fingers to the bone To salvage and fulfill my soul A pick for each clock tick A sigh for an hour my heart raced I tried to bury it, but it keeps coming back More dysmorphic, more dysphoric No glossing over a figure staggering to stand Playing keep away with a calcified child buried further inside of me Praying to the river Lethe relieve me Relieve me Thoughts taste of iron And my mind goes blank with white intensity My body turns on me A replacement for the fixation The way worries drive me No home to return to, or mend Working my fingers to the bone To salvage and fulfill my soul Where did the days and the years go Up with my youthful glow A look in my eyes and you’ll know Working my fingers to the bone To salvage and fulfill my soul
4.
Incantations 03:26
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Survival of the fittest Be the prettiest and the most available Showing your heart as power move No bowing down No bowing down Seeing red Burned into my brain The thoughts stinging Flames dance with their voices like incantations My body resisting weak but resilient So numb to the feeling Not easy to please Burned into my brain Where they were, how they said it Burned into my brain My body weak but resisting No deflection No one defended me They say I’m overreacting There was no compassion, just hypocrisy No one to avenge the spirit lost in me Cross my heart, dignity No one sees what I see Oh, the spirit rising in me Seeing red Burned into my brain The thoughts stinging Flames dance their voices like incantations My body resisting weak but resilient So numb to the feeling Not easy to please I almost believed  
5.
Intimacy in the Killing 05:16
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Cut them down knee by knee So, they can never stand above me and look down on me again By choice or by force it’d end the same The familiar pain, like Stockholm syndrome Dropping them, dropping them Walls built by bodies Trenches and motes of blood Better than disowning the pain, villainizing I didn’t want to let you go as I let you in, dejected I let you win, sabotaging It hurt me more as I got to know you There are sharks in the shallows Intimacy in the killing Living fast doesn’t suit me No closing in, rising in the fall, falling out of favor Found a sweet spot smiling through tears Only fulfillment to the utmost potential A pedestal still too low I thought I could earn your love, chosen Be worthy enough to be loved, protected and respected I didn’t want to let you go as I let you in, dejected I let you win, sabotaging I still feel the breaking It hurt me more as I got to know you There are sharks in the shallows Intimacy in the killing Cut them down knee by knee So, they can never stand above me and look down on me again By choice or by force it’d end the same The familiar pain, like Stockholm syndrome Dropping them, dropping them Walls built by bodies Trenches and motes of blood Better than disowning the pain, villainizing
6.
Black Dog 04:36
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I tried to warn him Like the men before him But he wouldn’t stay away Driven to insanity Living for the chase Black dog Standing in the backyard Taking up the doorway I never meant to taunt him I really want him to rest where he lays I gave my heart away Contracted, I’m already engaged Living for myself Our love never aged A gardenia for each day It’s customary Fighting the living, revering the dead I have obligations prior engagements The answer is always the same Black dog Standing in the backyard Taking up the doorway Crawling up the staircase To drag this man’s soul away I never meant to taunt him I really want him to rest where he lays I gave my heart away Contracted, I’m already engaged Living for myself Our love never aged A gardenia for each day It’s customary Fighting the living, revering the dead I have obligations prior engagements The answer is always the same
7.
Daemon Heart 03:54
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I thought I had done well of putting my heart up Ripping it out, cutting it off my sleeve I buried pieces of it deep Jarred some of it high Fed it to the lions and the tigers as sacrifice, sacrifice And burnt it in the fireplace every night To keep me warm To keep the thieves away Satiate the hungering To not hurt again but it’s constant, rejecting The phantom of my heart knocking endlessly A stake through me begging please, put me out of misery Cut finely, thinking logically Elusive so much so lost it The moon made it bloom And Neptune made it vapor Venus made it stranger Cast off to wash up whole again Regenerating I filled every chamber in concrete Shattered to a thousand pieces Hung to dry, hid it under the leaves Froze it in ice to stop the bleeding Oh, stop the bleeding I don’t regret a thing Alone but not lonely Nothing else seems right for me Nothing satiates the hungering To not hurt again but it’s constant, rejecting The phantom of my heart knocking endlessly A stake through me begging please, put me out of misery Cut finely
8.
Erised Woman 04:26
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A man with many wives In line to be concubine A second of acclaim Burn the city in my name Burn the city in my name Lover of many, holder of none To twenty-five thousand people I don’t like the attention A cursed creation, mausoleum to museum Venus De Milo, but a freakshow Something broken in me they tell me so The irony I can’t hold a Romeo Prizes of pride when your ego dies To be at your side Pious to be received as a queen A love marriage with no dowry A standard of beauty At the altar worshipping the ache of identity My name a stain on history If the walls could speak Telling of society, clinging to sanity A soul robbed from sleep now a marble body Sought to snatch for show, invented a Neptunian symbol of status Resurrected patterns Lover of many, holder of none To twenty-five thousand people I don’t like the attention A cursed creation, mausoleum to museum Venus De Milo, but a freakshow Something broken in me they tell me so The irony I can’t hold a Romeo Prizes of pride when your ego dies To be at your side Pious to be received as a queen A love marriage with no dowry A standard of beauty At the altar worshipping the ache of identity My name a stain on history If the walls could speak Telling of society, clinging to sanity
9.
State of Grace 03:30
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Angst of success Shunning the temporariness, of temporary happiness What happens after this, what’s next? Nothing left for missing or mourning A vagrant eternally wandering to the ends of the earth Letting the waves permit me to die Fiending an unbeatable high The orgasm of life Try all I might Hold me sacred without despair Hold me sacred and quiet Judged vainly, revealing your facade A loyal fanatic for the state of grace Medium to advocate for the late Not lifeless, as the center of a universe, secure Spectral and invisible Nothing left for missing or mourning A vagrant eternally wandering to the ends of the earth Your body my hearse, my life now up to your words Letting the waves permit me to die Fiending an unbeatable high The orgasm of life Try all I might Hold me sacred and quiet My cold feet, estranged in the familiarity of knowing Bringing no heat to memories Estranged in the familiarity of knowing the ways Hold me sacred without despair  
10.
As You Lived 03:37
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Python pendant Lodged in the throat Cuts the more you choke No bargaining Setting the pace, straight to the final stages Human development and grief The doves are darker than the ravens Mother’s tongue is wholesome Guard your soul Cherry picking pretty Painting dead faces as condolences Fame is a monster, greed is the father Dying as you lived so I’m not surprised What’s the difference between expensive coffins and fast cars The variants of fear Following the leader off the bridge Are you closest to the baddest bitch? Not checking, living longer minding my own business Cherry picking pretty, a fair legacy Painting dead faces as condolences The way a reputation lives Fame is a monster, greed is the father Dying as you lived so I’m not surprised What’s the difference between expensive coffins and fast cars The variants of fear To be celebrated as you lived, an open casket Lest we forget

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released September 27, 2020

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A Flower in Disguise Ohio

Singer/songwriter/producer/visual artist and writer.
Making experimental music

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